UTIs and Stuff

What to do if you get a UTI (urinary tract infection) in Korea:

Part One: ER visit

1. Panic momentarily.

2. Remember that Korea has amazing healthcare (*phew*).

3. Go to the emergency room at 2:00 a.m. (the best time to go to an emergency room in Korea, based on my experience...)

4. Give your Korean name to the guy at the front desk ("Um..sir. I think you're mistaken. Despite appearances, I'm not Asian. ...can I give you my American name??").

5. Explain to the ER doctor that you have 피 (pi/ blood) in your pee. Or mime. (Down here. Ouchie.)

6. Be escorted to the bathroom by an Asian nurse who mimes "pee in this here cup."
7. Wait for results in an empty lobby.

8. Get an antibiotic IV drip.

9. Realize that, in addition to your UTI symptom of urgency, you drank gallons of water before coming to the hospital.

10. Painfully wait while your IV drips...drips...drips...

11. Realize your IV bag is still half full and this is gonna be a very long wait...drip...drip...drip...

12. 저기요! (Cheogiyo!/ Excuse me!) 
13. 화장실? (Hwajangshille?/ Bathroom?) YES!! 사랑해요, I love you.
14. Take a little trip with your IV pole down the hallway to empty your bladder.
15. Finish your IV drip...drip...drip... (take ER selfies, scroll through Pinterest)
16. Pay a whopping (not really) 52,000 won for your visit (Only $50 for an ER visit? Yes, please.).
17. Walk home in the creepy 4 a.m. quiet while it starts to snow.

Part Two: Gynecologist visit

1. Walk back to the hospital (this time in daylight), clutching your paper that hopefully has the correct translation for Gynecologist.
2. Stand in the chaotic lobby, hoping you'll magically find a sign that says "IF YOUR NAME IS AUBREE AND YOU HAVE A UTI, ENTER HERE."
3. Have a random nurse spot you, glance at your paper (thank you, google translate), and escort you to the land of vaginas and babies (the tiny 3-room gynecology department).
4. Wait on a plush bench and look around.

5. Visit with the doctor. ("Where you from? Why you here?")
6. Have both the doctor and the nurse babble at you, trying to get you to confirm that you have dysuria. Yes, it's ouchie.
7. Visit some more with the doctor, look at his large atlas of Utah, as well as a dozen other state maps. (He's visiting the Western United States next year for a month and a half,)
8. Say goodbye to the doctor, wait for nurse to print up prescription and bill.
9. Have the doctor come back out with even more maps. ("Wow, sir, so many maps. Wyoming, eh? That'll be...exciting...")
10. Learn that the reason for the doctor's trip is that he's retiring. ("I'm 70 years old."--he looked about 55 or 60, wow!)
11. Pay bill. (23,000 won)
12. Get antibiotic shot. In your butt, duh. (slap, slap)

Part Three: Pharmacy visit

1. Walk 10 feet next door to the pharmacy.
2. Drink the complimentary healthy Korean beverage and wait for all of 5 minutes for them to fill the prescription.

Part Four: Walk home

1. Walk home happily (Who's got drugs? I do!)

2. Have Korean high school boy say "hi" to you like you're a wild animal, respond "hello" and have him and his friend laugh, surprised that "it" can speak.

Yup, I am very satisfied with Korea today. Korean healthcare is awesome. And so cheap. (Not that it matters, because I'm on my school's insurance and it will get reimbursed anyway...)

Moral of the story: get sick or injured in Korea.